


Mad Ratter's Tea Party

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Domestic Discipline, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-01
Updated: 2005-03-01
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:31:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: Walter and Mulder follow WMM down a rat hole.





	Mad Ratter's Tea Party

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Title: Mad Ratter's Tea Party

 

Author/Pseudonym: Ursula

 

Fandom: X Files

 

Pairing: M/Sk/K

 

Rating: Adult Slash

 

Status: Revised

 

Date Posted: 3-1-05

 

Archive: FHSA 

 

 

E-mail address for feedback: Fan4Richie or Ursula4X@aol.com

 

 

Classification: Domestic Discipline

 

Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: Ursula's fairy tales

 

Web Site: 

 

Disclaimers: No profit, fan fiction for fun

 

 

Notes: A birthday story for several people

 

Warnings: Slash

 

 

Time Frame: I wonder?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Nice of you to come with me, Sir," Mulder said, batting his eyes at Walter.

 

"If you think I enjoy conferences like that, you don't know me. I don't see any point in bucking the system for nothing, but we witnessed a crime," Walter growled. He looked around at the sunny clearing and said, "Hard to believe a child disappeared here."

 

"I know. What surprises me is the person I saw with the little girl," Mulder said.

 

"I never met Mannerly so I can't say you're wrong, but I know you and Scully told me he was dead, blown up in a car while waiting to meet with you," Walter said.

 

"People have turned up all too often that I thought were dead," Mulder said. He glanced at Walter unhappily and said, "Sometimes I wish that..."

 

"Me too," Walter said with a sigh. 

 

As Walter crouched to look at a large rabbit hole, Mulder joined him. Mulder lost his balance and reached out to brace himself on Walter's strong back. Both men tumbled forward and down, down, down....

 

OooOooO

 

Mulder grabbed Walter's hand and squeezed hard. Blurs of color ran past his eyes. He saw a grin. Just a grin of white teeth and wide stretched lips hovering in the air. Disembodied eyes winked at him as he tumbled head over foot.

 

All the breath whooshed from Mulder's body as he thudded to a stop. He looked over and saw Walter sprawled beside him, wire rims askew, tie rakishly around one ear.

 

"Are you all right?" Mulder asked.

 

"Yes, fine, Mulder," Walter answered, reaching up and pulling down the tie and straightening his glasses. He struggled to his feet and looked around dazedly. "We appear to have fallen down a rabbit hole.

 

Just then, movement caught Mulder's eyes. A man, in a well-tailored suit, briskly walked by. He checked his watch and said, "I'm late, I'm late. If I don't hurry, humanity could go the way of the dinosaurs."

 

Mulder stared for a moment before loping after the man. Mr. Mannerly turned the corner snatched something off the wall and crammed it in his mouth. Soon after his form receded more rapidly than seemed possible. Mulder gaped as he saw that it was not perspective that made the man smaller. He had shrunk and scurried down a small tunnel. Mulder fell flat on his stomach and reached the long arm of the law to catch the Consortium Elder. He was stabbed by the man's umbrella for his trouble.

 

Undeterred, Mulder tried to force himself into the narrow space until he caught sight of a jar that said, "Drink me."

 

That seemed familiar and Mulder did just that, ignoring his conscience that sounded just like Scully's voice, questioning his sanity. He was dizzy for a moment and then he saw the well-manicured man scurrying off toward the end of the tunnel.

 

"Wait for me," Walter shouted and a moment later, he arrived, brushing away crumbs from his coat with a sign that said, "eat me."

 

OooOooO

 

A circle of oil worms were gaily dancing near a puddle of slime in which fluke man twirled about with the dancing alien baby that enhanced many a screen saver. Several wet creatures executed kicks as they tried to dry off by line dancing. There was a chubby cat, a dormouse, Queeg Queeg, a joey, and an over dressed white rabbit.

 

Piping little voices sang, "Will you, won't you, join our dance?"

 

Mulder shuddered and pulled on Walter's arm to encourage him to pass quickly.

 

The well manicured man doffed his hat to the dancing aliens and said, "Oh my, oh dear, I do hope the elders won't be upset by my tardy appearance."

 

Somehow the dignified fellow was swiftly growing smaller as if fading into the distance. It wasn't until Mulder realized that the ferns he was crushing were trees that he realized he had somehow become a giant. He looked around until he found Walter and picked him up.

 

"We should make good time now," Mulder remarked to little Walter before putting him in his pocket. "Do be careful. I have a hole in my pocket."

 

As Mulder ran, he felt certain sensations that indicated that Walter was playing ring around the maypole. It was horribly distracting and Mulder eventually had to stop to come.

 

Dangling a very sticky but smirking Walter from his hand, Mulder said, "Bad, bad Walter, when we're the same size again, I'm going to tan your ass."

 

With that, Mulder licked Walter all clean and put him on his shoulder to keep him out of trouble.

 

OooOooO

 

Sitting on hill, Mulder pondered his predicament. He had lost sight of the well-manicured man and he had no idea how to get back to the real world. He didn't even know how to get back to normal size or to Walter's size anyway.

 

A small voice said, "Hey, man, you're blocking my satellite feed."

 

Mulder found a caterpillar on a tall tree. When he leaned very close, he saw the peculiar thing had Frohike's face. He said, "Frohike, what are you doing here and why are you a bug?"

 

"Bad grass," Frohike said, "No really, I just come here to relax." He reached over to scratch his ass. 

 

Now Mulder saw Langly was munching on a mushroom and even straight-laced Byers was puffing on a hookah. Quickly, Walter grabbed the hookah and said, "After today, I think I'm justified in inhaling. I'll just get Scully to pee for me again."

 

"Sir, not a good idea, you had to get Diane in the chain mail department to write a male pregnancy story to cover for you the last time you tried that."

 

"But the baby shower was great," Walter said.

 

Mulder sighed and picked up Frohike. He said, "Bud, I need to get back down to Walter's size."

 

"I always heard that you were a size queen, Mulder," Frohike said. "Just eat some of Langly's brownies. You'll be just as high as you want to be in no time.

 

OooOooO

 

The proper height again, Mulder and Walter continued on the path. For some reason, both of them were badly suffering from the munchies. They were also very thirsty.

 

"I could do with an iced tea," Mulder said.

 

"Or a Scotch and water," Walter added. "Or even just the water."

 

The two men trudged on. Walter reached out and caught a bread and butterfly. He said, "Good. Home made."

 

Mulder kept watching but he didn't see any Chinese delivery bugs. Just as well, he didn't think he would care to eat live Chinese food. That was more Scully's style.

 

Further into the forest, Mulder grumbled, "I'm starved and I could fall in love with the next person who offered me a cool glass of ice tea.

 

Just then, green eyes blinked suggestively at him. "Tovarich, I happen to know where you can have all the tea you could ever drink."

 

"Krycek! You scum sucking invertebrate," Mulder cried.

 

Wiping away bread crumbs (and an antenna from a bread and butter fly), Walter said, "Mulder, he doesn't even have a back so how do you expect him to have a backbone?"

 

"Now is a fine time to be logical," Mulder muttered, but he ran after Krycek, who somehow had turned into only a fine pair of buns. The charming body part danced just out of reach.

 

OooOooO

 

Running at full speed, Mulder didn't see the tea party until he crashed into it. 

 

"Sorry," Mulder said.

 

The Well Manicured man and CSM Spender were having tea. Alex Krycek sat between them, fast asleep. The two men were using him for a cushion and Spender was using Alex's crack for a rest for his cigarette holder, which Mulder thought was rather wasteful.

 

The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it

 

"No room! No room!" WMM and CSM cried out when they saw Mulder and Walter coming. 

 

"There's PLENTY of room!" Mulder said indignantly. He sat down in a large armchair at one end of the table. 

 

"Have some wine," WMM said in an encouraging tone. 

 

Of course, there was none to be seen. Mulder said, "You're always offering me things you can't deliver, Krycek, the truth."

 

Alex woke suddenly and chirped, "The truth, the truth, there is no truth." And he hiccuped.

 

"See, you had your whine," CSM remarked to Mulder. "Children, nothing but trouble. You work your fingers to the bone, abducting them, turning them into aliens, and what do they do? Whine, whine, whine. Cheese, the ingrates!"

 

Mulder said angrily, "It wasn't very civil of you to offer me whine, I mean wine, when there isn't any."

 

"It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited," said the WMM.

 

"I didn't know it was YOUR table,' said Mulder "it's laid for a great many more than three."

 

"We expected 'them'," CSM said.

 

Alex had gone back to sleep, but now he woke again, muttering, "Tell them to kiss my American ass."

 

"Do shut up, Rat Boy," WMM said. 

 

After a bleary look around, Alex's head lowered to the table. Sighing and snuffling, he went peacefully back to his slumber.

 

"I have one," WMM remarked.

 

"Have one what?" Walter asked.

 

"A riddle," WMM said.

 

"Oh, shit," Walter said, picking up a teakettle and knocking himself out. Before falling, he arranged Alex carefully so he would drape over him, groin to ass.

 

Mulder, on the other hand, was used to Consortium figures speaking in riddles. He said, "Tell me."

 

WMM smiled and said, "Oh, my. You are quite the eager one, but I suppose I knew that."

 

Leaning close so CSM would not hear, WMM whispered, "Why is a Raven like a writing-desk?"

 

"Because they both have tales," Mulder said. He was paying attention even though Walter was moving rather vigorously on top of Alex for a supposedly unconscious man.

 

"You cheated," WMM remarked. "You read ahead a pun or two."

 

"Exactly so," said Mulder.

 

WMM seemed rather sullen after that. He sniffed and patted at his face with a monogrammed handkerchief.

 

CSM was the first to break the silence. "What day of the month is it?" he said, turning to Mulder. He had reached over and taken WMM's watch out of his pocket, and was looking at it uneasily, shaking it every now and then, and holding it to his ear. 

 

Mulder considered a little, and then said "The fifth." 

 

"You can't take the fifth," CSM said, "You're not on trial."

 

"That's what you think," Mulder snapped. "This is a trial to me."

 

Jabbing WMM, CSM said, "Your blasted watch is two days wrong!"

 

"I told you butter wouldn't suit the works!" CSM added looking angrily at Krycek. "If the dor-rat hadn't used all the lube."

 

"It was the BEST butter," WMM meekly replied. "Obtained from unmutilated cattle."

 

"Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well," CSM grumbled. "You shouldn't have put it in with the bread-knife."

 

WMM said indignantly, "I didn't." Jabbing Alex with the jam spoon, WMM asked, "What did you give me to use?"

 

Alex was still occupied so he merely produced an alien stiletto from somewhere.

 

WMM took the watch and looked at it gloomily: then he dipped it into his cup of tea, and looked at it again: but he could think of nothing better to say than his first remark, "It was the BEST butter, you know."

 

Mulder had been looking over his shoulder with some curiosity. "What a funny watch!" he remarked. `It tells the day of the month, and doesn't tell what o'clock it is!"

 

"Why should it?" muttered the well-manicured man. "Does YOUR watch tell you what year it is?"

 

"Of course not," Mulder replied very readily: "but that's because it stays the same year for such a long time together."

 

"Which is just the case with MINE," said CSM. 

 

Mulder felt dreadfully puzzled. CSM's remark seemed to have no sort of meaning in it, and yet it was certainly English. 

 

"I don't quite understand you, Sir" Mulder said, as politely as he could.

 

"The rat is asleep again,' said CSM, and he poured a little hot tea upon its nose. 

 

Alex shook its head impatiently, and said, without opening his eyes, "When you go underground, you have to learn to live with the rats."

 

When Alex squealed pitifully, WMM and CSM grabbed him and tried to stuff him in the teapot.

 

Walter had stopped pretending to be asleep and was off having a quick wash in a nearby stream. Mulder was going to have to have a word with the man.

 

But for right now, Mulder had enough. He grabbed both old men and hit their heads together. "Stop being mean to Alex," he said.

 

"Have some jam," CSM advised.

 

"I'm not falling for that one," Mulder said, "I read Alice in Wonderland. I've had quite enough. Besides, Scully always has to rescue me when I'm in a jam. No, I'm taking Alex and leaving."

 

Grabbing Alex without regard for his unclothed state, Mulder marched off, remembering at the last moment to yell at Walter, "Walter, are you coming?"

 

"Already did," Walter answered, before adding, "That wasn't fair. That was a trick question."

 

OooOooO

 

"Well, I thought he would never leave," WMM said, dusting his hands off.

 

"Dense, the younger generation can be so dense," CSM said. "Now, we've done our good deed. We should be able to..."

 

"Oh, my, "WMM said, "I think we are moving on. Quite."

 

"Quite," CSM agreed. "Thought we would never be able to do one good deed in the interests of true love."

 

And with that, the old men moved toward the light.

 

OooOooO

 

Meanwhile.

 

Mulder found himself dressed in tight leather pants, a cowboy hat, and standing in the house that Walter and he shared. He had a lariat in one hand.

 

Pointing one of his elegant fingers at Walter, Mulder said, "Strip! I'm going to spank you so red you could pass for a newspaper."

 

Drawing himself to his entire height, Walter said, "What makes you think you can spank me?"

 

"The sign," Mulder said.

 

And sure enough just like the signs that said 'eat me' and 'drink me'; there was a sign on Walter's ass that said, 'spank me'.

 

Walter craned around and read the writing on the Wally. He said, "Oh, it does say that."

 

Glaring at Alex, Walter said, "You put that there!"

 

Alex smiled weakly and said, "You must be losing it, Walter, I could spank you one handed."

 

"Count again, rat boy," Mulder said.

 

Alex looked amazed as he noted that he had both arms. He threw them around Mulder and then around Walter. "I love you both."

 

Walter said, "I love you both too. We should go out and celebrate."

 

"Uh uh," Mulder said, "Not so fast, Tex."

 

As Walter tried for the door, the lariat looped around his legs. A moment later, Walter was hog-tied, hard, and bare of butt.

 

"What's that silly grin on your face?" Mulder asked.

 

"Well, what goes around comes around," Walter said.

 

Mulder grinned and ran his finger down Walter's crack, pressing just a little bit. Walter raised his ass higher and wiggled it slightly.

 

"Very nice," Mulder said.

 

Without warning, Mulder raised his hand.

 

Slap.

 

Mulder's hand impacted on Walter's naked ass.

 

"Hey, what the hell, Mulder! I wasn't expecting that!" Walter said.

 

"Should I stop?" Mulder asked, running his nails lightly over the outline of his hand.

 

Trembling a little, Walter said, "I don't think so."

 

"Good, because you've been bad. A bad, bad boy," Mulder said, getting into the rhythm of his blows and snaking his leg around Walter's kicking leg to contain it.

 

Trying Walter's ass for heat, Mulder gently rubbed it and then glancing at Alex who seemed to be trembling either in sympathy or arousal, Mulder said, "Would you like to kiss Walter better?"

 

"Oh, yes," Alex said, smothering Walter's mouth with kisses.

 

The whimpers that came with the next flesh shaking slaps were muffled by Alex's lips.

 

Mulder varied the speed, stopped again to gently cup Walter's balls, and fondle them.

 

"This is my punishment?" Walter asked.

 

"Yeah," Mulder said, resuming the spanking.

 

Walter yelped and then said, "Remind me to be bad more often."

 

Alex sighed happily and said, "Remind me and I'll give you lessons."

 

And Mulder blissfully realized that a butt in hand is worth a bird in the bush.

 

The end


End file.
